The National - High Violet - 4AD, 2010

The year is 1846. There is a black steam engine slowly building speed as it moves across the country. Soon, word spreads of the iron beast and rumor is that this train is going somewhere very important. With anticipation, children dream, women breath heavily, men feel a pride that comes with association oneself with greatness and telegraph operators barely have time to sleep. Upon entering each station, the engine seems to grow larger, with a well oiled precision that comes from rest and care, not from countless days of travel. In quite a short amount of time, the modest steam engine has become legend, it’s whistle heard at the farthest reaches of the first world. In a cloud of steam and satisfaction, the engine roared towards it’s final station. Yet all that emerged from this foggy halo was a simple, grey cart set on four steel wheels…barely managing to coast to the platform. The repetition and constant self-clamoring of the near invincible engine had become a straining sound on the ear of it’s followers. In it’s singular mission of completing the journey, the steam engine had not noticed that electric, flying cars had been invented and that no one gave a fuck about trains anymore. 

Justin Bieber - My World (Part I) - Island Records, 2009

There is a person someplace on this earth (most likely an overweight, white male), who looks through a magical telescope. He searches for things that define normal people…you and I, for example. Things we claim as our own. He takes these things and puts them in a simmering pot. 4 hours later, Justin Bieber steps out of the cauldron and ruins it for the rest of us. Now be honest, how would you feel if you saw a prepubescent mannequin wearing the exact outfit you had on? You’d burn your clothes and cry bloody tears of shame. The pop-culture overlord will also pull on Usher’s leash real hard, but only Usher’s actin up a fool. The current attack plan from trendy folks is now to look like trash. Just dress like absolute garbage and perhaps the overlord will stick his long peeper someplace else. But they are wrong. Cause the next teen, pop star will be dressed like a dumpster slut. As a bonus, she”ll come with a bottle of pills and so much ego you’ll be able to smell it with your tongue. Our only option at this point is not to like anything too much. Also, spread out. Stop going out in packs of one ‘“look”. And, yet, as you will inevitably find yourself drawn with insatiable lust to the latest and greatest…don’t say a damn thing or it’ll be taken away 5 years later.

Clues - Clues - Constellation Records, 2009

Sometimes taking a straightforward approach works. So often the most convoluted execution is the one which receives the most praise. Creative people generally feel that in order to make something interesting, it must come from the farthest corner of their faux-tormented minds. Their lives are (so) hard and they think their frustration must be the fuel for making the things that will define their generation. The great contradiction is when you see these dudes/broads walk from their favorite hole-in-the-wall bar to their brand new volkswagen. If great art comes from true turmoil, these whiners should be producing crap…oh wait. How about we all take a lesson from Swiss design. Do it simply, do it well and for good measure…do it with a passion that comes from seeing your hard work produce genuine, human expression. Clues knows what I’m talking about. Good work, boys.

Health - Get Color - Lovepump United, 2009

Hard angry music has its place in this world. Droning dissonant notes, vocal chord scaring screaming and overall hatred for everything around you gives a HEALTHy balance to the creamy, clean pop music we’re all subjected to…especially when we least want it. Grocery stores play this crap I’m talking about. Music that is so homogenized, that it becomes audible creamed-corn. Mushy, sweet chunks. We don’t have a choice. We, without choice, find ourselves in grocery stores, dentist offices and elevators. And in all these prisons, we’re forced to listen to music the general population has voted for. According the Georgia Guidestones 12 out of 13 people must die to regain balance on the earth. Take THAT, majority rule. I have to imagine any of the boys in Health would push a button labeled “12 out of 13 people die if you press this button.” I would too, if I didn’t have kids. You can’t kill your own kid(s)…not even for the salvation of mankind. Come on.

Phoenix - Wolfgang Amadeus Phoenix - V2 Records, 2009

You know what this country needs? More war. And who will lead us to wipe our enemies from the face of this planet? My warring wife and her insatiable blood-thirst. She’ll lead the charge with shunning stares and verbal trickery. Confusing the hell out of her enemies with shameful stories she’ll tell in front of all your friends. Shameful…like Phoenix coming out of crap-tirement to write one good song and then have their label build an entire album around it. I hope my wife attacks France first, as punishment for not burying Phoenix with whatever else was cool in 2003.

Pete Yorn & Scarlett Johansson - Break Up - Atco/Rhino, 2009

These songs sound so worn out. Why is SJ trying to sing like other people? Why even is she singing? Scarlett belongs in movies. At least that way we’re not subjected to the sorry person behind the fantasy. I made the mistake once of saying I thought Scarlett Johansson was hot (immediately after seeing Lost in Translation) and now I am verbally crucified by my wife anytime Johansson comes up in conversation or is in another crappy movie. She was off to a great start, being an indie film with Bill Murray. But something happened along the way and now she looks/sounds like a used up chew toy. The cover art for this album is trying to make us believe things that aren’t true. We’re supposed to think we’re getting a glimpse into an intimate moment between two people who “are in it for the music.” Nope. Wrong. Although I’ll give Warner Bro’s props for trying to connect with the average American…pawn shop guitar, worn out couch, vintage license plate decor, cardigan, ponytail. Cool. What may be the most disgusting thing about this piece of garbage is that I am secretly curious as to whether or not these two people had a real relationship. It’s that gossipy, black-tar center of my soul that wants to know if they screamed when they fought. Did they had sloppy, cry sex when they made up? At what secret location did they do their grocery shopping together? Then my brain starts working and I am sobered into reality with the obvious truth: marketers are getting smarter and these two people are whores.

Do Make Say Think - Other Truths - Constellation, 2009

I commented to my buddy Dave that the drums on this album sounded “crappy good”. He immediately corrected me by saying they sounded “real”. Damn. Even a music snob like me has had his reality distorted by the polishing hand of mainstream production. The average person has no idea how much tweaking, engineering, programming and lying it takes before sound is considered acceptable for human ears. I’ve actually gotten to the point where I enjoy recordings more than live music. Is that bad? My experience with music is so completely different from its origins. There was a time when music was experienced only in large groups. You couldn’t listening to anything you wanted, at any time. The social intertwining was an integral part in what people even thought music was or could be. Now, I don’t want to get too deep here. Granted these are the same people who lived in constant filth and disease. But the topic of the lack of social integration of music comes up a lot amongst my friends. This personal music revolution (thanks sony) is brand new and I dont think we’ve seen the resulting effects…yet. I would love to have people over to my house and (actually) play them songs and then collectively sings the ones we know. If we were limited to experiencing music this way, we wouldn’t be limited to enjoying music alone. Modern concerts are garbage. The idiots that show up were all listening to band’s music in the car on the way there, so they can’t fully appreciate what they’re hearing. They chit-chat and drink and socialize, because they’ve already heard the songs a hundred times. On this day (September 17, 2009), I am setting forth the challenge for a group of musics to only play live. Stop recording. Bands don’t make money selling records anyways. I think it could actually take off and it would create such an amazing experience for those who were able to attend the shows. “Word of mouth” is still one of the strongest, most trusted ways to communicate. This would totally work. Someone please do this. Now.

Muse - The Resistance - Warner Bros, 2009

I didn’t even make it though the entire album. I had to quit around track 6; just before the needle on my disappoint-o-meter dipped past “I had to buy a car charger at Walmart because there wasn’t another store within 30 miles and my phone was dead”. Absolution really was a fantastically pleasing album. As pop-sensible as it was, you still got the sense that these boys could really play their instruments. And the words coming out of Matt Bellamy’s supercharged vocal chords were believable. As a contradiction, this new album has the depth and interestingness of Christian Rock. Which is an interesting strategy by the suits at Warner. “Let’s make a cross-over band, that moves from mainstream over to Bible Bookstores…just for fun!” Let’s just pretend this is what happened (because the truth would probably be much less interesting). In this “new reality”, I’m fine with record labels using bands to test new marketing schemes. I really don’t care…until, they start testing with bands I like(d). That’s bullshat. Go experiment with any of the other washed up talent you have on your roster, Warner Bros; but leave my Muse alone. Sure they are what Radiohead would have been, had Radiohead not written Ok Computer. And yes, some of their songs got annoying after a while. But that just means I needed to take a break. After 6 months or so, I would have enjoyed them again. You didn’t have to go make them crappy on purpose!! As you all hopefully know by now, I am a realist. So I can’t just let this review end without a nugget of truth. The new Muse album sucks, but they weren’t very good in the first place. Absolution was a fluke. A neural misfiring that worked in our favor. If a person or group of persons can’t write more than 10 good songs, then they plain and simple aren’t any good. Luck exists. Its real. Some combination of right elements gave Muse the fortitude and ability to give use a few good songs and now the fun is over. They have a contract to fulfill and can probably still make a few quid, so they’re going to stay in the game until it no longer makes financial sense. We can expect at least one or two more albums from the lads of Devon. But please don’t get your hopes up…lightening only strikes once.

David Bazan - Curse Your Branches - Barsuk, 2009

Dave…please take the time to look on the internet, find a pdf manual for your reverb plugin and learn how to turn it off. Were you forced to record your vocals in a cave? How gloomy of you. The most annoying thing about your huge vox is that now all my friends who think they are you, are going to mutilate their next ep with the same ridiculous effects. It could have worked on one or two tracks, but the whole damn thing? Really?! I’m going to pull Amy Poehler out of SNL semi-retirement and get her and Seth to do a Weekend Update bit on you. Really. This most recent annoyance aside, I have a bigger bone to pick with you, David. What the hell happened after Achilles Heel? Is your penis ego so big, that you couldn’t even handle a little collaboration? Your wiki says you collaborate; but when I read through that article, it sounds more like you were making guest appearances. T.W. was (in my meager opinion) one of the best things that happened to your music. That record had variety, emotion and color. Control is a decent album, too; but it all basically sounds like the same song in different keys and tempos. And this new stuff you’re doing is just boring. Your not a Christian anymore, so you sing about drinking beers with your buds. I would rather stuff you back in the Jesus-closet…at least in there you were singing about murder, sex and other general frustrations young men have in their 20’s. Last note, please tell me what the point was of “going solo”. You’ve changed members so many times over the years and remained Pedro the Lion, why change it up now? It’s not like you chose a more marketable band name…you went with YOUR name…as if your egomaniacal persona needed any more fuel. Now you can call me a liar, because I am bringing up one more thing: STOP PLAYING “LET DOWN”. You’ve been playing it so long that certain people I know think you wrote it. Its cute to do a Radiohead cover. Its lame to put said cover on an EP. You play that song, too, like you’re playing the gloomy version of it. HA! Just give that one up. You write better when you’re angry, not sad and contemplative. Hopefully, after reading this review, you’ll hit the studio and write songs about murdering online writers. The musiverse will once again be restored.

Deerhunter - Microcastle - Kranky, 2008

People keeping telling me I would like Deerhunter. All the right elements are there, but the songs just don’t go anywhere. So stop suggesting them to me. Oh, and Bradford Cox is a creepy little skeleton man. I can’t imagine even being in the same room with him. Even if it was a huge room and I couldn’t see him. Even now, as I’m writing; I can’t get the sounds of his little stick limbs knocking against each other out of my head. I don’t like deerhunter. I’m aborting this review now…maybe something Mr. and Mrs. Cox should have considered.

Black Eyed Peas - The E.N.D. (Energy Never Dies) - Interscope, 2009

Back in 1991, a group of rowdy young fellers from Seattle set out to preach against the evil’s of selling out. Twenty years before that, the punks were evangelizing the same message by beating the crap out of each other instead of selling merch. Twenty years before that, the Beatles fought against the same accusations by doing even more drugs and losing their freaking minds (nice work, boys). Now its 2009. We haven’t had many (if any) strong anti-corp messages from artists, because the truth is…everyone likes being rich. We’ve collectively decided that and now we don’t care what it takes to acquire as much money as we possible can. Neither do the Black Eyed Peas. In fact, I believe BEP have reinvented the art of selling out and have moved far beyond reasonable means. These people wrote a song for Target…that place your girlfriend goes to get cute “tops” on the cheap. They didn’t sell Target one of their already recorded, nonsense songs; they wrote a brand new one. Granted, The Blacky Pees would never have been considered the Shakespeares of their time; at least not based on anything they’ve written yet. And a lot of talented and respected people write music for commercials every day. But commercial musicians don’t generally get songs on the Billboard top 10. Being that popular can bring with it an enormous amount of influence on mainstream culture and, more importantly, our kids. The 80’s for me were the pinnacle of evil in this regard. Every corporation was spending more and more of their “hard earned” pesos on turning us all into walking adverts. But then a sea change happened in the 90’s and we all got wise (well, some of us did). And although our little rebels brought messages of anti-corporation to the main stage, they still were very much part of what they were fighting against. Maybe that’s why certain shotguns were placed in certain mouths. So now that we’re coming up on that next 20-year marker, what will the climate be? Honestly, I think the cultural pendulum is running out of steam. Energy DOES die, you idiots. Were you not listening in your high school science class? Unless some catastrophic thing knocks that pendulum HARD (a real depression, WW3 or 2012 Global Chaos), I believe we may be (finally) settling into some sort of cultural balance. Where a gorup like the Blacks Eyes Peeps can co-exist with Radiohead, or Grizzly Bear. And Noah Lennox can make his music AND make a living. Its really quite incredible. Yes, the internet plays a huge role in this great equalizing. But I can guarantee you this: once the suits figure out that the playing field has actually been leveled, they’re going to shit their pants. Just don’t freak out when you see the Shins in a Taco Bell commercial or Beyonce starts showing up at mall openings. When advertiser’s shouting can’t be heard, they grab a megaphone.

Dirty Projectors - Bitte Orca - Domino, 2009

The first time I saw/heard Dave Longstreth was on a Take Away Show a few years ago. He was walking around a Brooklyn park, with a guitar, singing angry words at a cop…a black, female cop. He immediately became my hero. Yes, he’s a crazy-talented musician; and yes, he creates unimaginable melodies that stick in your head like pine tree sap; and yes, Bitte Orca is (hands down) my pick for album of the year. But I think it’s Dave’s distain for the American police force that has grafted a special connection between myself and his art. Dave and I are sick of paying for public servants who on a daily basis overstep their boundaries as law-enforcers and become mini gods we all fear. Yeah, I’m afraid of cops…and I’m white! What ever happened to “Innocent before proven guilty”? The only attitude I’ve ever gotten from a cop is “Guilty until I say so”. These people are supposed to protect us, and instead they hassle us…constantly; when there are REAL criminals raping, murdering and stealing every day. Just last week I was pulled over for making an illegal left turn . Except I did not know it was illegal as I was distracted by hundreds of motorcyclists revving their engines and do burn-outs. Because of the distractions, I didn’t see the sign until after completing the turn. Upon explaining this to the cop, I was interrupted with a “I’ll be right back”; and after waiting 16 minutes, was presented with a $125 ticket. Ass. This highly attentive young man didn’t take the time to explain the motorcycle situation or even attempt to make me aware of the multiple no-left-turns down that strip of road, in order to avoid any future criminal activity. He typed up a ticket and felt he had done his job. Why isn’t there a website where I can rate my experience with this individual? Why are cops above reproach and beyond critique? Public servant is the farthest thing from what a cop really is…really they are all a public nuisance. I’ve known nice guys that are cops. They aren’t people I would generally be great friends with, but they seem like semi-decent humans. But as soon as they put that badge on their nip and that gun on their hip, they become overly masculine problems for the rest of us. “Bitte” has a list of meanings/uses in german; mostly it’s used as an interjection…”excuse me” or “if you please”. And in most languages “orca” means whale. In my professional opinion, the name of the 2009 Album of the Year translates into “Well, excuuuse me! You blubberous mammal!” Way to go, Dave.